What the Algorithm Didn’t Tell Me

On paper he was my perfect match. E-Harmony said so. But the algorithms can tell you but so much. It doesn’t account for the weirdo factor.

His control issues were undercover.

In the Beginning…  he was attentive — aren’t they all.

Then he wanted me to be more assertive. I’m almost 50 fucking years old. I’ve had two husbands and raised two kids. My assertive days were behind me. I just want to chill.

But OK, I’ll play…

He didn’t like me so much after that. Then he came down from the Mount.commandments

  1. Thou shalt not wear nail polish (It’s toxic and doesn’t look good on you)
  2. Thou shalt not do Tae Kwon do (Do Karate or Aikido instead)
  3. Thou shalt not practice Catholicism (practice Buddhism)
  4. Thou shalt not wear crystals
  5. Thou shalt no be friends with homeless people
  6. Thou shalt not excel in Grad School (It’s too hard for someone like me)
  7. Thou shalt not expect to see him or talk to him during the week
  8. Thou shalt not question his whereabouts
  9. Thou shalt not be upset when he cancels our date
  10. Thou shalt not be me

Oh and he was cheap. I’m not talking a date at McDonalds cheap. I’m talking that selfish cheap. All our dates were dutch. Well it was mostly our dinner because he only took me to places he could get into for free. We never went to the movies, he claimed not to like movies. I think he didn’t like the $15 it cost to get in to the movies. We did go to a dry boring film festival once, there was a $10 cover charge, guess who paid for me? I’ll give you a hint…not him.

He had this backpack that was filled with paper crap. He carried this on our date. He had to carry it like a paper grocery sack from the 1970s because it was ripping at the seems. Putting it on his back would cause all of the papers to fall out.

Me: Why don’t you buy a new one?

He: I’ll just tape this one. This is an expensive bag.

Me: (in my mind) BUY A JANSPORT YOU FREAK!

After about 4 months of this, I wanted to dump him. But I was never good at it. He called me on a Sunday night, after once again, making some lame ass excuse about not being able to see me.  He proceeds to talk to me for 45 minutes about bull shit and then he dumps me.

But wait…

He was humming and umming because he was nervous. He thought I’d lose my shit because he would no longer grace my life with his presence.

Backstory – The summer before I was crazy in love with this guy who ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and then stomped on it and set it on fire.  I might have mentioned that to him at some point. (This guy was residentially challenged, hence #5 of the commandments).

I suppose his condescending ass thought it would be a similar situation.

Johnny, what’s behind door number two? How about a big, I don’t give a fuck.

I wasn’t hurt, I was relieved.  I proceeded to tell him as a friend (yes I was nice about it) that if he wanted to get and keep a woman, he needed to stop being a condescending prick, he needed to stop being a cheap ass creep, and that he needed to accept people for who they are and stop looking for Miss Perfect.

I don’t know what happened to him after that. This was a year ago. I suppose he continues to cycle through women, or who knows, maybe he found that one woman who likes that weird cheap sort of condescension superiority control freak thing.

There is someone for everyone.

About Liz Kelso

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